Procrastination + Perfectionism = not being proactive. At. All. I still find myself living by this 👆 constantly. I'm always aware that I could be doing something to help me be more proud of myself rather than be more angry and disappointed at myself, yet I can't bring myself to do that something. Even as I write this, I can't tell if I'll even be able to finish this in one setting and post it. I just don't know why it's so hard. I do have things to say and I want to say them, but I always see the process of the challenge rather than the outcome of it. Writing that out makes me see that indeed I am a negative person, and it clearly affects my abilities to do more and make my life better. This is a serious problem. And it has to stop. Nobody got anywhere good with such a mindset. I don't want to be this way. It really is time for me to make a change.
While I don't yet have a job, I have found a chance to volunteer at a school every day of the week. I sometimes teach a class and teach piano lessons. Now, though these things don't seem like they require homework on my part, and sure, I could get away with not preparing for my tasks, there's still a lot I can do that's more beneficial to my life than watching ASMR on my half day off of school. My piano skills for one, are so rusty, I can't just expect to put my fingers on the keys and magic happens. It takes getting back into it, slowly, practicing. I have to reintroduce my fingers and my brain to that skill, which I could do for at least 20 minutes a day.
Then there's the actual part of continuing to find ideas for paying work. I keep forgetting, or rather, not prioritizing the job search. Truth is, I have skills, ideas, that should be shared. And ultimately, I'd like to make whatever it is that's my niche be a business and help me earn a living.
But most importantly is finding Jesus. What I mean by that is finding the gospel in my everyday life, and in making time to spend with the Lord. I've been trying to get back into this by starting to pray a transitional life prayer my friend gave me. And really, I can pray against procrastination and this self-created idea of what is perfect. I'm not alone in this, and I have the greatest back up drive ever.
In an effort to keep this from going straight to my drafts folder for x amount of days, I will stop here.