I feel like I'm in a waiting room. I have a ticket number and have been told to take a seat. I've been here numerous times and always manage to find myself back here, even if I was just here. What am I waiting for? Till most recently - a job - a boyfriend/husband/love, a mission/passion, travel, church/community, friends/community, work, dreams.
I went to church yesterday, and the message was about waiting. The text was Matthew 11 in reference to John the Baptist and Jesus. John's whole purpose was to set the ball rolling for JC until it was time for him to start doing his ministry. But John ended up in prison for over a year and he started to doubt if Jesus was "the one". He was yet to be rescued from prison, yet to hear from God about what next. Ever been waiting for something for a while, only to end up waiting more and becoming doubtful than ever?
I empathize with John on what was going through his mind. In my waiting stage, I definitely feel confused, alone, lost, stuck, forgotten, indifferent yet anxious, hopeless, helpless, doubtful, faithless, impatient, fearful, all that.
To be honest, I wonder if God's ignoring me in the waiting room, or if he forgot about some of my requests (except for the recent job, that was pretty clear). But everything else, like mission, people, location, such things. I've said this before, but, I literally feel like I've been floating for the last 7 years. Literally. Like, what am I doing? What am I living?
I've been very depressed lately, a lot more than the usual. The bouts have been hitting me hard. I'm back to sleeping poorly, and crying before I go to sleep, and crying in the back of taxis, and crying while watching nothing on T.V. I think God is trying to isolate me in this stage to truly depend on him. I mean, I'm literally thousands of miles away from the people I trust most.
I've always believed that God is the only one to help me through my unhappiness, and even though I don't understand his methods and could totally be misinterpreting entirely, I still believe that. I think it may be what I hold on to at the end of the day, whether I'm aware of it or not. In other words, I still believe in God and that he'll speak up at the right time. His silence does not equal his absence.