I've gone on holiday from my Christian life. What I mean is, I'm not putting in the effort of living the life I should be according to Christianity. Things like my mental state, my laziness, my boredom, lack of accountability and mentorship, and my attitude have been getting in the way.
Indifference Verging On Annoyance
To be honest, I've been getting annoyed at many Christians lately. Sometimes I feel bad, because some of these people I like and can tell that they are going through new experiences that are challenging their Christian journey for the better. So when they're telling me all these awesome things God has done in their lives or will do, I'm just on the sidelines being polite at their good intentions not being phased much. But most times I'm indifferent to the excitement they retell their stories with.
As Christians, we believe in a God who literally parted the Red Sea - a whole freaking SEA. Yet here we are, gasping and jaw dropping at someone from a background opposite from ours who's interested in learning more about God. Sometimes it feels like we celebrate the person more than our God, and it confuses me.
I've signed up for a bible study class, which feels like more of a task that I'm just doing to check it off some list. But basically it feels like that college class that I need to take but don't care about at all. The topics and the text are interesting. It's just the discussion bit I find booooooring. Like, everyone says the same answers, speaks Christianese, says the generic Christian answer. Idk, I'm just tired of it. I always find it hard to not stop my myself from checking out. Another thing is when you're not in the mainstream Christian loop Like, for the 4th time, I really have never heard that suuuuuuper popular gospel song by that popular gospel singer.
There are some people who go around with an uppity attitude, as though they are sooooo privileged to be saved and must put other people down for not seeing things the same way they do. The other day, I had this lady come up to me because I was wearing a shirt that said, "In Tesla We Trust," which was in reference to a fundraiser for my nephew. It was just a word play on essentially setting up a trust fund for him. Nothing more was meant. But she came up very hostile to me asking what the shirt meant, saying a lot of people can get the wrong idea, since God is the only one we put our trust in. The adamance she showed in making sure I heard her points as facts and now change my life forever was so distasteful and I felt quite offended that she wouldn't even listen to my explanation of the shirt. But I also found it ridiculous, and I just sucked it up, while she found a friend to gossip to on the obscenity she had just encountered. Honestly my biggest problem with that encounter was just the lack of regard to understand the person you are trying to share your beliefs with instead of just imposing it on them. I mean, is this the kind of impression we want to leave on non-believers?
I thought I found a good place, but then I really lost my patience after they kept on talking for one hour just cracking jokes and saying same old things that are supposed to be funny but are not, then start preaching an hour later. Like seriously, I don't have time to be coming to church wasting to listen to what funny joke or realization you had this week. Like, I am a mess, I often want to die, and I'm so far from God I can't even pray for help! TELL ME ABOUT JESUS!!!
Obviously not all churches are like this one, but another thing that threw me off was the lack of follow-up. I think I put down my information on 3 different papers, and expressed interest in a small group I was told was in my area. Now it's been 2 months maybe since I was last at that church, and nobody's contacted me at all. Sometimes I find churches do a better job at talking about walking with you rather than actually doing it.
I don't know - I'm just tired of generic check-list Christianity that has somehow turned into this culture that's so casually accepted as the norm. These days my anxiety builds up every time I'm in a "Christian environment." I just feel so off and annoyed. All I can say is that I just wish I didn't feel like this. What is this? is this a normal thing? I just don't get it. #ChristianGirlStruggles