“I don’t judge” - that does NOT apply to me.

I find that so many people use that phrase loosely, akin to “I love you,” or “I’m praying for you.”

I’m always skeptical of such people, because I can’t imagine how people can’t judge.

I judge on purpose and not on purpose. I judge when I’m annoyed at someone or even when I’m unmoved by them. I feel like it’s such a part of me, that I become almost immune to seeing that it’s a problem.

It wasn’t until end of last year I started to notice it more. I saw it a lot in potential opportunities, especially when I’d have to decide on if I should go to this church, if I should apply for that position, if I should hang out with this person, or if I should go to that thing I was invited or forced to go to. And in the past, especially when I was in high school, this sort of mentality is what got me uninvolved and sort of self-branded as keeping to my comfort zone. Sure it was a mix of other things, like shyness, inexperience, blah blah, but at the root of these things was judgement. It was me who was preempting, preconceiving, prejudging every potential situation. Nowadays, I’m really trying to work on this.

Though I somewhat understand that judging is a part of human nature, I think with God’s help it’s possible to minimise on this and exchange it for something positive and better.

I judge people before even meeting them. Even if it’s out of fear instead of perception, it’s still judgement. I’ll start to think, the reason so-and-so didn’t say hi to me is because they think I’m ugly or whatever! It can be from anything that extreme to something like, that event is going to suck because it’s a baby’s birthday party. And I deny myself of opportunity, because what if at that party you meet a parent who brought their kid who happens to be one of your students? Or what if you met people you hadn’t caught up with in a long time? Or what if you had a chance to get to know your sister-in-law a little better, and she potentially gave you a contact for a potential job?

I think I have a tendency to expect the worst. It’s as though I subconsciously want to be prepared for anything that could go wrong so that when it does, I don’t get shocked. It sounds so dumb and mental really. But in all honesty, it’s a thing. I need to replace that expectation with hoping for the best. Because it’s robbing me.