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Allowing Me

Do you ever have visions about your life that seem completely unorthodox?

You see yourself living contently, where happiness visits frequently. You see your smile as if for the first time - the one others appreciate when you give it to them - and you actually like it. And that's not the only thing you like. You like yourself too. You're no longer afraid. Sure, you get the occasional urge to yank out your intestines every now and then, but you start to welcome the anticipation of fear at the door with faith by your side. You no longer see Murphy’s law as an umbrella for all things negative. You now look at it with the stance of “anything that can go right will go right”.


This is an accurate description of a new found realization from my trip to Cape Town, South Africa. I had such an awesome time and went through so many experiences that were so freeing. I went through anxiety, fear, excitement, thrill, comfort, discomfort, satisfaction, boldness, courage, sadness, stagnation. I met people who were sweet, helpful, encouraging, honest, free, caring, accepting, bold, fearless. People from Australia, Bermuda, US, Austria, Eastern Cape, Angola, Congo, Zimbabwe.


As I was preparing for this trip, I didn’t really think it was going to happen. In fact anxiety hit me so hard that I was about to cancel it entirely and just bum at home for the remaining two weeks of my school holiday. But, I just knew I had to take the plunge and go for it and do something that I never had done before. And so I got on a plane and headed south.

I was in a place where I knew absolutely nothing. (Thank God for English, really, though, cos that’s a privilege that gets you far in some places.) But also thank God for going ahead of me and leading me to people and places that gave me an enjoyable experience. Thank God for allowing me to choose “yes” over “no” and allowing myself to be thrown into adventure and to be at peace with all that was out of my control.

Which brings me back to my opening reflection paragraph. In Cape Town I was a completely different person. I was talking to strangers, walking around with them and having meals with them. I was asking people personal questions, I was looking into their eyes and smiling. I was challenging myself, both physically and mentally, to do things I considered extreme. I was learning from people’s stories, from my own presumptions. I was pushing beyond comfort levels, getting lost in suspect places like it was all part of the plan, knowing that what came after would leave me at peace.

Always getting lost, always arriving.

I felt like I was this person who could do anything AND IT WAS AWESOME!!! Me - I became someone who left judgement behind on the plane. Who was fine with who she was. Who had so many possibilities at her fingertips, and just saw life as something fun to explore when getting out of bed each morning, rather than hiding in bed hours after morning had come, terrified of stepping out into the sunlight. And let me say that yes those temptations were there to deny myself of all that could go right that day, and some days didn’t inspire or go right or anything, but at least I gave myself the chance of finding out first-hand.

I loved finding out who I could be if I just took a chance and trusted God through it.

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